


It Was an Accident

by P_Artsypants



Series: Of Mustard and Three Foot Purple Tongues [4]
Category: Teen Titans - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, F/M, Severely injured, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-21 22:31:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16585505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/P_Artsypants/pseuds/P_Artsypants
Summary: A Battle takes a wrong turn and Robin pays for a mistake.





	It Was an Accident

More then one person has said that I do a good job with Starfire Angst. And Boy! Do I love me some ANGST. There is a happy ending, don't fret. I mostly wrote this one because I was in a funk all day. A bad kind of funk. So I wanted to write fluffy ramble angst. Don't be a hater.

It hurt more than anyone could imagine. The intense feeling of loneliness that accompanied it, the lasting pain in my bones. For once in a long time, instead of standing right back up, I let the pain swallow me. I did what I was trained to avoid, I ran. I ran as hard and as fast as I could. Blindly. Uncaring. The faces I passed were all blank, condemning, blaming. As much as it had hurt me, I deserved it. I wasn't being serious, not focused. I felt sick. Why, oh why did I do it? When did I turn this all into a game?

I ran because I couldn't deal with the look of disappointment. I couldn't find an answer. Everything that I had ignored for the last week had come crashing down. Every sunshine filled, rainbow laced, bunny infested wall I had set up, had come crashing down. Someone had to pay for my foolishness.

I just wish it didn't have to be him.

I promised myself, I promised every single day after my escape, that I would never go back to the monster that they had created. The murderer that was of their own design. What I had done then was only out of necessity, I only killed to survive. When did I allow myself to stoop that low? I was ashamed.

I would never fly again. My action has desintigrated every happy feeling I have ever had. My feet would be forever planted on the ground. I still couldn't believe it. It couldn't have happened. It shouldn't have happened. Not to him. Especially not to him.

My feet came to halt. The rain came from a smog filled sky and pricked my skin like acid. It was so frigid, but could not match the icy feeling that was exuding from my heart. I clenched my dirty fists. Where did I go now? I had no home, no friends. Was I to be a fugitive? A criminal, like the ones we strove to keep off the streets? A criminal, like my sister?

My communicator rang. The familiar happy tone. I couldn't answer it, I couldn't even look at it. But I couldn't destroy it either. I let it ring, it's song reverberating in the emptiness of my heart.

It was an accident. A mistake. A dumb one at that. I would never in my life have killed someone cold-blooded. I loved that boy, everyone knew I did, I didn't exactly hide it. But I had never told him myself. My fist made brutish contact with the wall of the building. The whole thing shook.

"My god! It's that alien!"

"She's gone mad! Run!"

That's right. Run. Be far, far away from me, where I cannot harm you. Where I cannot harm anyone. If Robin were here to yell at me, he would be saying that I wasn't paying attention. That I caused a great downfall of our team. But he wasn't here.

He would never yell at me again.

I sank to my knees, my strength absent for the moment. I turned my face skyward, having no right to call upon God. But I begged for forgiveness regardless. My uniform was soaked and clung to my form. My long ruby red hair fell to the ground and lied on the cold cement.

From the beginning of the day, things were not going well. I was distracted, slightly confused. As if I left something behind when I woke up. Practice had stunk, since I had missed a droid and I was tackled to the ground. Robin had even asked if I was feeling alright and I told him I was. I lied.

Truth was, I had never felt so 'out of it' in my whole life. I didn't know what caused it, but truth be told, it didn't matter what it was anymore. It was stupid. That's it.

The image of my greatest failure was burned into my forest green eyes. Every heart pounding moment, it was replaying in my head. I felt like I was trapped at the movie theater, and the film was stuck. It left a bitter taste on my tongue.

It could have been Control Freak, or maybe Mad Mod, or even Slade. I wasn't paying attention to them. I was just told to fight, so I did. I shot my bolts at the unfamiliar colours, sending punches where needed. I thought I had it under control.

"Quick! Starfire! He's escaping!" I heard him call to me. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw movement on the ceiling. The villain was climbing into a vent. So I shot a beam, I thought I was going to stun him and make him fall to the ground. But I missed and hit the ceiling instead. It wasn't just a small beam either, it was devastating.

Clarity hit me like a rock. For the first time in my life, I remember a moment so perfectly, crystal clear. I looked at my leader, who looked back at me in horror. Blood dripping from his nose from the fight.

Stupidity.

Idiocy.

Incompetence.

Whatever you want to call it, it killed my teammate. My friend. No, my best friend, my leader, my teacher, the only one I had ever loved. The one person in the whole universe that I would have laid my own life down for. But today, I was too slow.

There was a pile of rubble. A green glove reached out of it, unmoving. My lips twitched, tears pricked my eyes, my voice disappeared in my throat, and my body was frozen in place. Raven, Beast Boy, and Cyborg all ran to his aid. But I stood there, afraid. Time seemed to pass in slow motion as they dug him out. Rocks fell away and I could see his tunic, but it was the wrong shade of red.

"He's not breathing…" Raven announced, concerned.

"No…" I heard my voice croak out.

My friends all looked at me.

"It was an accident! I swear! I would never-! I-!" That's all I got out before I ran.

The bitter memories flooded me like the sea. Drowning me in torment. The guilt of a friend's life on your shoulders is too heavy of a burden for anyone to carry. It was my fault.

He was dead, and it was all my fault.

No more smiles. No more hugs. There would be an empty place next to me everywhere from now on. I would never feel him playfully tugging on my hair, or his breath as he whispered into my ear. I wouldn't feel his arms grasp mine in a battle, or his worried shouts for me when I was knocked out of the air.

_No one could ever take your place._

I clapped my hands over my ears as I heard his voice.

_You want to yell at me too? Everyone else has, and I can't blame them..._

_We're not going to drift apart, Star. I promise. We'll all be friends forever._

"Please, go away now!" I shouted.

_Everyone deserves a second chance._

_So... "Nightwing", huh?_

_I guess one more dance wouldn't kill me._

"Please Robin…stop this…"

_It's ok Starfire. It's ok._

_Starfire, you know you're my best friend._

"STOP!" I cried. "Just stop…please…no more…" I covered my mouth. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…"

I heard a car pull up. I knew who it was, since I had left my communicator on. But I didn't bother looking.

"Star…" The solemn voice of friend Cyborg really sounded like a comforting older brother.

"Why have you come for me? I thought you would have hated me."

"There's something you need to see. Now come on little lady." A soft smile was on his face, it made me feel even worse. I knew I could not run from the consequences for long. I climbed into the passenger's seat, and we drove back to the tower.

"Should I even ask…what the damage was?"

He kept his eyes fixed on the road. "You don't want to know."

I clenched my fists again.

We got back to the tower, and he led me upstairs. Raven and Beast Boy were waiting outside of the medical bay.

"Please do not tell me he is in there…"

"He is Star, and you need to-…"

"No! I will not go in there! I cannot! Please!" I backed away from the group.

"Starfire seriously! You need to see what happened!" Raven tried to coax me.

"I do not! I already feel horrible! I cannot…" I started crying again. "It was an accident. Why will you not just let me live with my guilt!" I tried to run, but Cyborg caught me.

"Just listen…" he begged.

"I will not! Let me go!"

Beast Boy opened the door and Cyborg pushed me in. They quickly closed the door behind me and put the room into lockdown.

"No! This is unfair! Please! Don't leave me in here!" I pounded on the metal door, but eventually gave up. "Let me out…"

The room was eerily quiet, as I did not have the heart to look over to the body lying on the bed.

"I do not understand what Cyborg wishes to accomplish by putting me in here. I know your state." I leaned my head against the cold door. "I'm so sorry. I do not even know how to express it. I do not know what is wrong with me, I just cannot seem to do anything right. I wish that…I could talk to you. I guess I am, but you cannot respond. I just hope you know that I miss you immensely already. Please forgive me…" I closed my eyes and sobbed softly.

"I do forgive you."

I blinked. What was that? A voice? There was no way. I stood up and shyly approached the bed. "R-Robin?" I asked shakily.

His body was wrapped tightly in bandages. Even his face. The only things exposed were his hand that had been spared from the rubble and his beautiful cerulean eyes, which were looking up at me.

"Y-you…" I could barely make out.

"What's wrong Star? You look like you've seen a ghost." I saw the bandages around his mouth moved as he smiled.

I fell into the chair that was next to the bed and held his hand. I didn't have the strength to look at him. "I thought you dead! Robin, I thought I had killed you! The reason you are in here, it is my fault, and I injured you! I-I'm so sorry! I was stupid! I know I wasn't paying attention…"

He wiggled the fingers I held in my grasp. "Hey, it's okay. Accidents happen. This isn't the first time I've been in a full body cast. And really, it looks a lot worse than it really is. I have a few fractured bones and a lot of internal bleeding, but it's mostly topical. You know, cuts and stuff."

"You are serious?"

"Yes Star. It's okay."

At the tenderness in his voice, I started up a fresh round of sobs.

"Whoa! I didn't say that to make you cry! Stop it!"

"I cannot! I am too relived that you are okay!"

"Well, for the most part." He added nervously. "At least let me comfort you." His free hand came over and cupped my cheek. "You are most certainly not stupid."

That did it for me. I launched myself forward and wrapped my arms around his battered chest, sobbing violently into it. I heard him hum and begin to stroke my hair. It was childish, it was weak, but I was so glad he was alright.

"Don't know Star, I think if you were the one who had gotten injured at my hand, I think I would be a lot more upset."

I looked up at him. "Whatever do you mean?"

"Well, I love you. So therefore, my emotions would be stronger." He declared.

I blinked a few more times in shock. "I am sorry Robin, I think my mind is doing things to me, may you repeat what you just said?"

"Sure Star, only this time, I won't use words." He guided my face to his.

The coldness was gone, the loneliness washed away. It only took a touch of our lips, and I was floating again. I no longer felt guilty or ashamed. I didn't feel dirty, but, in fact, clean. I had missed him so much, if only for a couple hours. And I never wanted to be without him again.

"I love you too." I smiled.

Later, the rest of the team came in to check how things went. They must have found the sight of me curled up next to him as a good thing, since they didn't wake us, but instead waited for the next day to tease us.


End file.
